The Beginning: An Explanation

Okay, okay, okay, everyone! You can just calm down. I am finally going to start my long-awaited blog. I know, I know. “It’s about time,” you’re saying to yourself. I think anticipation for this blog began in middle school when one of my English teachers wrote in my yearbook: “Don’t forget me when you make your millions.” Or maybe it was when my English 102 teacher, Dr. Adelheid Thieme, told me I was the best English 102 student she had ever had. But that was probably because her first language was German. Or MAYBE it was when this one guy told me, “hey, you’re really pretty, you should write a blog!”

Surprise, we might have just played two truths and a lie. Ten dollars if you can guess the lie.  It’s not what you think… or is it? Also, I don’t have ten dollars to give you, so I’ll just award ten points to your house.

I have wanted to start a blog for years. I think I’ve been putting it off for a few reasons. 1. I could never decide on a name and 2. A friend once taught me that what you write is written into eternity and can never be taken back. These two things freaked me out, and if that doesn’t scream volumes to you about my commitment problems, I don’t know what would. There are actually a lot of reasons why I haven’t started. I hate that a blog would remove a lot of the mystery of my life. Like, everyone around the world who wonders “did she eat Hungry Howies or Chick-fil-a for her Thursday night date” would now know that 7/10 times it’s Chick-fil-a. Where is the mystery in that? Goodbye sexy mysterious Latin person, hello Chick-fil-a. Moreover, if someone wants to know how I’m doing, instead of calling me, they can just check my blog, and suddenly all of my real-life friends become fake internet friends and there is nothing I would hate more than THAT. So, if I am going to overcome my commitment problems and write this blog, I will also need a commitment from you. Will you, dear blog reader, promise to still be my friend in real life, even if you think you are catching up on my life through reading my blog? Check a box below.

Okay great, thanks. Glad we could move past that. After I had decided to be more mature and overcome my blogging fears, I was back to the dreaded task of thinking of a name.

I went through some of my favorite songs, trying to steal a name or a lyric. Nothing. Plus, that was far too cliché, and I hate clichés. So, on my own, here was my list:

1. I’ve Lost My Keys, But Not My Marbles

2. I Love Peanut Butter

3. This Is Going To Be A Really Great Blog

Wow, guys, just wow. I won’t even tell you how long it took me to think of those. I NEED A MUSE.  I have no inspiration. I hate this. 

And downward I spiraled into my hatred of blogs. So, in desperation, I asked my friends for their advice. Here is what I got:

Friend 1: “A blog about your life? How about ‘When Shit Hits the Fan?’”

Friend 2: “Erica, [We’ve Hit Too Many Red Lights] Get Out of the Car” – Friend 2 actually told me this a few days ago. Brackets added for clarification.

Friend 3: “…?”

Ah, yes. Friend 3 nailed it. This was actually an idea that I had already considered, and so when it was reiterated by Friend 3, I decided that was my answer. “…?” is the way in which my life had been defined by some friends of mine a while ago, and, much to my dismay, had stuck. That’s right, people. My life is so exciting that it can’t be defined by just words, but instead it must be defined by ambiguous punctuation. Ah, yes! I still AM mysterious! I guess we will go more into WHY my life is defined that way later. But for now, yay! I can begin my adventures in blogging.

There are a lot of people to thank for my love of writing. Most importantly, I can thank all of the people who upset me as a child and drove me to pen while I scrawled away my feelings in my diary (yes, I’m talking to you, girl who told me Harry Potter wasn’t real, and YOU, boy who always cheated when we were playing lazer tag). Also, if I’m going to mention them, I should also mention all of the boys I had crushes on and wrote about, too. If this were an academy awards speech, I would thank them all first, in alphabetical order. By accident, of course, because I will have to feign surprise about winning like every other person who has won an academy award. “Oh my gosh? Me?! But I’m just a cute little Mexican! I’m a female AND a minority! I can’t believe this. This is such an honor.”

I hope this meets all of your high expectations. By “all of you,” I mean a few of my friends, and the person who stumbles across this blog post whilst searching for a good blog about really great dating advice.

The reality is, the only reason that I am starting this blog is so that one day I can get really famous and score an interview on Jimmy Fallon and join him in a lip sync battle. Or at least get a mention from him on Twitter in a #fallonmono.

As my first piece, I feel a lot of pressure, so I would like to focus on something really important. I want to make you really excited about how I’m really smart and I know a lot of stuff and you can get really smart and educated from reading my blog. But, to make it successful, I also know that I need to incorporate some filtered Instagram photos/selfies, an inspiring quote with cursive writing about your future and being brave, and a creative way to make a fall pumpkin or something. If you’re a girl. Oh, I also need a child so I can write all about he/she used her first successful affricate in a CVCV word! If you’re a mom. Anyone want to let me borrow their child? Actually, if you are looking for a blog with any of that, I recommend doing a quick Google search for one. This is not where you’re going to find it. But Google can always hook you up. Or Siri.

In case you can’t find anything, here’s what I’ve got for you:

SELFIE – this is honestly the last selfie taken on my phone. I sent it as a snapchat from a date on my couch with Howie (he was delicious, by the way), and saved it so I could send it to people who didn’t have snapchat. I put on a filter for you so I could look more appealing and hide the fact that I'm not wearing any makeup. I hope it worked.

QUOTE – I hope I have inspired you.

PUMPKIN – Making a fall pumpkin or something.

Me with a baby that isn’t mine (but that I still love):

There you go. Also, I realize that so far I’ve told you a lot about what my blog is not, and not what it is, or will be. “Get to that point already,” you say. Okay, okay, fine. My first blog post will focus on everything I know about the website Pinterest.

The end! Until next time.